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Why My Courtship Failed

I spent my teen years sure I’d have a first-kiss-at-the-wedding, fairy-tale courtship and happily-ever-after marriage with beautiful children. After all, if I am “committed to courtship,” believe that “true love waits,” and say “marriage is ’til death do us part’,” what else is needed? My beliefs will direct my future.

At 23, I married. At 24, my husband divorced me. Life spiraled into a maze of brokenness, a gritty reality many friends and acquaintances found uncomfortable. I fell. I got up again. Broken heart, broken life, broken dreams.

My ideals failed me. The courtship formula did not protect me from devastation. Saving my purity for my husband and being betrayed by him triggered feelings of loss and disillusionment. I felt cheated, like someone who paints a masterpiece only to give it to a friend who shreds it.

If a break-up is a broken bone, divorce is an amputation. How do you recover and return to normal? You don’t. You learn to live life differently. In my opinion, you become a stronger individual. It’s not the most desirable way to gain strength, but for those who must walk this path, it works.

Why would I want to go back to being that idealistic, naive, and self-assured girl? Here is beauty–here is grace. Here is a life of rich colors and vibrant sights which make my heart beat faster. I would never have been capable of loving and appreciating another person so deeply if my world had not been shattered. I would have felt entitled to a perfect life and happiness by following all the rules.

Instead of feeling entitled, I am thankful. Not thankful that I have some perfect love story and happy marriage. But thankful for a place to call home, a son who loves me, and a reason to get up in the morning.

I thought courtship would yield my ideals. But any man-made convention will ultimately fail. Even in outwardly appearing successes there is brokenness. Brokenness and beauty go hand in hand. The one is more than worth the pain of the other.

Courtship, ideals, and living a “good life” do not protect anyone from bad things happening. The teaching of emotional purity often causes great harm (which is a whole series of posts in itself!). Wouldn’t it be better, if need be, to date and reap a broken heart a few times, if in the end you find someone who is good and kind? Could this not possibly be better than marrying the first guy you’ve ever been attracted to, so your heart will be “pure”?

Perhaps the first man you ever loved will be good and kind. Perhaps it will be the third or fourth. Neither occurrence is superior. They should both be valid, respected options. And in courtship they aren’t.

I’m divorced. I’m a single mom. And I have a beautiful life rich in God’s grace. I would not be any more happy or fill-in-any-positive-emotion if I’d never been divorced, never been a single mom, or never seen my world ripped to shreds. I don’t sit around wishing things turned out differently. There are far worse things than a broken heart or a broken body.

Why do we see pain as bad, whether it’s the pain of a broken bone or a broken heart? I fractured my pelvis in 2011 and the pain was excruciating. Even a year and a half later, there is an ache when I walk too much in one day. Yars ago my heart broke, and the pain was excruciating. Even half a decade later, there is an ache when I least expect it. This is not bad.

It’s all about beauty and grace. If you look to the right of this post, you’ll see two quotes, my life mantras as it were. “Beauty will save the world” and “Your grace was not taken.” No one can steal my peace and joy. The grace I walk in is mine alone.

As one of my friends told me, “No man controls my life.” If we put the control of our life in the hands of a man or a formula, we are sure to be disappointed. 

“What went wrong?” People ask me. “What could you have done differently so life will fit your ideals? What went wrong?” I think that is the wrong question. It may be what we want to ask, what we want to accomplish, but it is not the right question. Maybe there is no right question. Certainly there are no answers to the “why’s”.

If there is beauty–and there always is–it is enough for me. I’ll spend my life pursuing it, instead of asking questions.

I welcome your thoughts and comments. I’m just making one small scratch on the surface of this topic.

Source: http://natalienyquist.com/courtship/

The place of prayer in marriage

INTRODUCTION

According to Kwakpovwe (2010), “Thou shall stop believing that marriage is a union of pain because of what some people made out of it. Thou shall believe that if God is the principal, then it is indeed beautiful’. Marriage was instituted by God Himself. He said in Genesis 2: 24 that “Therefore shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall cleave unto his wife, and they shall be one flesh”. Kwakpovwe sees marriage as a school when God is the principal. He said that the C-word is what is learnt first in the school. That word is communication. 

You do it with two main people, your classmate (spouse) and to the principal (God). If you find out something in your classmate (spouse) that you not appreciate, simply pull out the C- word and connect with the principal. Your classmate is just a student like you. If they were graduates, they would be perfect but because God is not finished with him/her yet, take it as a challenge and work on it together. So the importance of prayers in marriage cannot be over emphasized. Many people lead busy lives and have trouble finding time to pray for their spouses. Many marriages have stood the taste of time because they pray consequently; many have collapsed because they failed to pray.

I want you to know that you don’t have to look for Satan’s trouble before he comes after you. The fact that you are a Christian; you are already his enemy. Job did not look for his trouble. Satan went after him because he was blameless and upright. Job 1:8. Satan attacked the family and brought destruction, pain and agony upon the family. Job 1: 13-19. Since this is not a prayer seminar, I will discuss only some few things about prayer because there are a lot to be said and in a forum like this, one hour is not enough to do justice to.

1. Prayer is a command: We are commanded to pray. “Watch and pray, lest you enter into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak” Mark 14: 38

“Pray without ceasing” 1 Thessalonians 5: 17

2. Jesus is our perfect example: When Jesus Christ was on earth, He always took time out to talk to God. “And when He had sent them away, He departed to the mountain to pray”. Mark 6: 32. “Now it came to pass in those days that He went out to the mountain to pray, and continued all night in prayer to God” Luke 6:12; John 17: 1-26.

3. We should pray for our spouses

It is necessary to know that we need to uphold our spouses in prayers. Omartian [2004] speaking about the power of a praying husband said “Refuse to worry about how and when your prayers will be answered. You don’t have to make it happen. It’s your job to pray. It’s God’s job to answer. Leave it in His hands. When you do, you will not only enjoy answers to your prayers, but you will also see great changes in yourself, your wife, and your marriage. What do you want from your spouse? Tell God.

4. Plant some prayer seed

 Kwakpovwe [2014] said that if you fail in life, it will be because you failed on your knees. He said, if you are experiencing chaos, plant some prayer seed. If things are unusually difficult, if your health is failing, plant a prayer seed. I also feel that if children have not come into the marriage, if that in-law is troubling you, if your spouse’s eyes are open to someone outside, plant a prayer seed. Prayer can transform your destiny just like Jabez. Because of Hannah’s prayer, a child was added to the family. You can do something amazing with your marriage if you line up your life on your knees. No one can teach you how to pray. You learn how to pray by prayer. You must be involved for things to work well in your life.

5. You must birth through prayer what God has promised. God led people to prophesy about your marriages on your wedding days or during you’re your engagements or sendforths. The mistake most of you have made is just fold your hands and think because men of God have spoken, things must come to past.

According to fomum [nd] prayers starts in the mind of God. It is revealed to the spirit of man who then prays it back to God and it is answer by the Lord. God has his will in his heart. He reveals that will to the seeking and waiting saint. If that one then carries the will on his heart and wrestles it through in prayer, the will of God now prayed through by the believer gets back to him in heaven through prayer from earth He delights to answer. We must seek to receive that which God has promised us through prayer.

In 1Kings 18:1 God told Elijah to go show himself to Ahab; and He will send rain upon the earth.

The prophet told Ahab to go up, eat and drink, for there is a sound of the rushing of rain [1^st King 18:41]. When Ahab went, the prophet went up to the top of Carmel, and he bowed himself down upon the Earth, and put his face between his knees, taking the position of a woman in labour for prayers so that he might birth the rain that the Lord had promised Ahab.

It should be noted that the easiest way to change the character of a person is not to preach many sermons to him but to labour in prayer until Christ is fully formed in him or in her. Some feel that by nagging you can change your spouse for good. The quickest way to have the character of your wife, husband, children, parents brought to harmony with that of Christ is by organising prayer.

6. For marriages to remain, healthy, cooperate prayer is required.  

 Chavda [1998] said that the Lord is speaking a new prophetic word about an old prophetic word. The old word is ‘’pray‘’ the new word is pray corporately. In Mathew 18:19 Jesus says, that if two of us will harmonize together as touching anything, it shall be done for us. God is calling the church today to cooperate prayer [Mathew 25:23].

The Lords breath is glowing causing cooperate prayer to spring forth across the earth. Catch the breath as a family.

The enemy hates prayer, particularly cooperate prayer because he knows that when two or more will come in agreement with the Holy Spirit, the devil will lose every time. Remember, Satan’s main strategy is to divide and conquer. “Jesus said” Every kingdom divide against itself is brought to desolation and a house divided against itself is brought to desolation, and a house divided against a house falls. [Luke 11:17b].

We should together pray for our children. If you are not covering your children in prayers every day, you are leaving their lives to chance. You need to cover every aspect of your children’s live in prayer. You should know that you don’t have to be perfect parents but praying parents. Omartian [2014] opined that there is no more powerful prayer than that of parents for their children.

God has given you spiritual authority over your children and your prayer have power. This does not mean that there will always be an immediate answer. Sometimes it can take days, weeks, months or even years. But your prayer are never meaningless. If you are praying something is happening.

Even if you will forget anything, don’t forget the issue of corporate prayers. It is said that the family that pray together, stay together. Kwakpovwe [2014] said that team work is a divine secret of uncommon success. Determine to be an agent of unity. Fight against the spirit of ‘I’ and seek after the spirit of ‘We’. Keller cited by Kwakpovwe [2014 p 63] said alone we can do so little, together we can do so much. Satan is determined to pluck you out of bunch. Alder cited by Kwakpovwe [2014] observed that when ‘I’ is replaced by ‘We’. Illness becomes wellness. Never have you neglected praying together as a family.

CONCLUSION

Marriage is not a bed of roses. No matter how well you think a marriage is, there are challenges and they only way to overcome the challenges is by prayer on our knees individually, corporately, for ourselves, our Children and everyone around us.